jokes about new york city

New York now leads the worlds great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldnt make a sudden move., 46. Whats the difference between a dollar and the Los Angeles Rams? I had like bruises everywhere. Its like I paid a guy. Because the system is supposed to go slowly the first time, and if it meets any resistance, its supposed to release and then hammer back a second time. By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Policy and to receive email correspondence from us. After 5 years, what does an NYU graduate call a Columbia graduate? Truth be told though, Ive never traveled without travel insurance and dont think you should either especialy since I think weve all had plans drastically change because of the pandemic. My dad was the town drunk. While they may be nice and all where I live in NYC, kids in Germany are kinder. What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of? "Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Year's Eve? Thats quite a Roosevelt you have going on. Im fat in all the wrong places. New York when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you., 61. What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles? Its because New York sucks. This is the third Willow-related death this year. Aziz Ansari, Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. If you continue to use this site we will assume that you are happy with it. 31. 18. You feel sorryfor the dog. Where did the math teacher like to hang out in New York? How many NYC cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Similarly, there are a lot of jokes about New York and Los Angeles, since for as long as comedy has been split between those two poles, comedians have had to decide between them. You can get your purse snatched and your rear end pinched simultaneously. Joan Rivers, This guy came up to me at a party last week and asked me, Where are you from? So I told him, Im from Queens, New York. And hes like, No, where are you really from? For those of you who dont know, thats code for Why arent you white? Hari Kondabolu, I come from New York, where, if you fall down, someone will pick you up by the wallet. Al McGuire, Ive now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones unfortunately, its a lowercase L. Rita Rudner, The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City. Jon Stewart, New York is the only place where if you have talent and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do, then someday, maybe just maybe you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train. Dave Barry, In Manhattan, every flat surface is a potential stage, and every inattentive waiter an unemployed, and possibly unemployable, actor. Quentin Crisp, I saw a license plate that said I Miss New York, so I smashed their windows and stole their radio. Craig Anton, No matter how many times I visit this great city, Im always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxicab. Scott Adams, I live in Los Angeles. Does anyone need to use the bathroom? Its like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first. Mitch Hedberg, I love New York. But look at him, hes wearing orange footie pajamas and hes got tinfoil on his head and hes playing a Casio!, I love how New York is so multicultural. Everyone else is Mel Blanc. Jack Benny, If God doesnt destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology. Jay Leno, My arms register as legs there. Hes got a cab-drivers license, I can see it right there. I dont know what you need to get a cab-drivers license. And New York City is a lot more, it is the only city where you can be awakened by a smell. It always looks better when the Orangemen are on paper., 108. Q: Where do fat cows go on vacation? Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? (Brooklyn will have its day on Thursday, and Manhattan will be on Friday.) The single most terrifying experience of my life. 13. In a bag. I just saw two strangers share a cabone took the battery and the other took the radio and tires. It takes a New Yorkers mentality to root for a football team named after something you dread getting every month. Have you heard about the new Broadway show based on the dictionary? So much that I feel awkward when telling my black friends Im hopping the N train.. Cause you can hear anything, at any hour theres always something to blame it on. Pete Holmes, Even if you like New York, youll admit its not a nice place. Because The Big Apple captivated her., 2. Seven and a half million of those stories are just excuses why people didnt vote for mayor. New Yolk. 76. Because crap floats. You know, everything in New York is just so pitcher perfect. Who was your source on that, New York Post? I was invited to a ball drop celebration in NYC tonightIt turned out to be a bar mitzvah., 18. As a 30+ year local, I know all about the pros and cons of living in New York City. Its great that youre able to do it. Why do people feel comfortable to do that in that situation? The streets are numbered! A representative for Mr. Kilmer confirmed he was indeed in the film, and hopes this will prevent future tragedies of this nature. This man was left with his head in the train and his body and bags flapping around outside on the platform. I made eye contact with this woman. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty., 54. 89. There are so many ways to die here. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. Woody Allen, I love giving tourists directions. What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Buffalo campus? Im like, Cat noise? How hard is it to drive a computer from Toronto to New York? Wish Id known that before I risked my life. You actually take fashion seriously. A fisherman in New York City reeled in a 250-pound catfish measuring 6 feet 6 inches long. A bad building, you just got a man in a door., I live in New York. It is my favorite thing on cable. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty., I love giving tourists directions. Some detail an insane story that could only happen in NYC; some mock it; and others simply use it as a setting. When we think of New York, we think of busy streets, noisy cities and baseball. Dont surprise me on Brooklyn bridge. Oh, this is your neighborhood now? 42. You know? This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. I do this every day on Tinder. You can get a lot of television deals that dont go anywhere, but you still get paid. Daniel Tosh, You know, its important to have a Jeep in Los Angeles. ', 41. You cant do that. "Whoever left their iPhone X at Katz Deli in NYC, please stop calling my new phone." 34. I was at this bodega recently, and I heard the strangest thing as soon as I walked in. You feel sorry for the dog. Illustrated. Statin island. Feeling loopy? I dont think things could get any Bleeker. And if you found this post useful, be sure to join our email list before pinning this post now so that you can read it again later! You seen this Home Alone 2: Lost in New York shit? Half of them keep saying fuhgeddaboudit but the rest of them keep saying Never forget. It makes both states smarter! And thats tough. 52. Yawn. And I tell jokes for a living. Looking for the best New York jokes that deal with life in the city? Thats one of my favorite things to do. By Andrew Marantz. Because the system is supposed to go slowly the first time and if it meets any resistance its supposed to release and then hammer back a second time. New York isnt taxi-ing to your wallet. O.J. And it doesnt matter where you areindoors, outdoors, fuckin in a park, in a museum, in a restaurant. Looked exactly like Spalding Gray. 22. Thats quite a Roosevelt you have going on. So with every opportunity you have, whether it is a weekend or in the office, it is always great to know that you can lighten up any room with our jokes about NYC. Relationships are hard in NYC. A visitor. Kidding and welcome to my snazzy little blog. 173. In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding., 82. 41. Los Angeles is one of the worlds most famous cities. Joe List began his comedy career in Boston, Massachusetts in 2000 just weeks after graduating from high school. But the best/worst/best again part of Hollywood is the nonstop parade of delusion you get to see Right now there are a million people in Hollywood who are all going to make it. David Cross, I love Los Angeles. Im dedicated to this. Hannibal Buress, Derek Jeter, to play in the All-Star Game, he got a million votes. Youve never seen anyone de-age so fast in your life. I could never live there. It does things to a person. Do Not Sell or Share My Personal Information. Because crap floats. I cant go, 'Oh my god, somebody help me! The whole show is in a silly, goofy mood. Yawn. To park in handicap spaces., 99. The temperature in NYC can reach 100 degrees, so what do you do to stay cool? New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. Looking forward to the show. Marc Maron, New Yorks such a wonderful city. But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. They stick to the ground. Where do eggs go on vacation? What prevented Jesus from being born in New York? Im a super quirky, 30+ year native New Yorker who wants to share the total awesomeness that is New York travel with you. Racist topics make me nervous. I never used to go to the beach cause I come from Brooklyn, we only had Coney Island, which was an awful beach, though there were rumors during the war that enemy submarines, German subs, came into the bathing area at Coney Island, and they were destroyed by the pollution., 65. . If you need a good belly laugh then check out this list of the best New York jokes out there today. 90. The swelling on your head from getting jacked!, 112. Privacy Policy and There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that its impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. Sometimes, these NYC puns and New York jokes are so over-the-top bad that theyre actually good. How you livin?, 68. Why dont Los Angeles drivers use their blinkers? Loving my trip to the Big Apple-tini. Are there any signs that someone is from New York City? Just gonna take my horse to the Old Town Bar. Dj vu! These NY jokes and New York one-liners will totally blow your mind. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! 71. He just stuck out his head and the doors closed on his neck. We just want to dive into a pool without having to hold onto our bottoms. 69. 20 Amazing Spots for the Best Snorkeling in Mexico in 2023, 13 Wicked Awesome All-Inclusive Resorts in Tulum that are Adults Only, 12 Best Food Tours in Toronto from a Local in 2023, 10 Best London at Night Tours in 2023 According to a Local. 123. 161. There was a guy on the elevator with me. Words cant espresso how much New York means to me. Ladies And Germs. Have a look at our jokes about New York City. I didnt get much sleep. Things you buy through our links may earnNew Yorka commission. Lets go west., 78. He was clearly a successful man, yet in that moment he just looked a like naughty boy with his head stuck between some railings waiting for a fireman to cut him loose., New Yorks such a wonderful city. 109. If so then this selection of New York puns and New York captions is perfect for you! New York is the city that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in the morning. 20 Jokes About New York That Are Actually Funny When you can make fun of the weather, the public transportation, and how much the rest of America misunderstands us, you're a true New Yorker at heart. There goes Obama! And Id let them have their laughs because when the condos come in, they have to leave. 253 pages. New York, like London, seems to be a cloacina [toilet] of all the depravities of human nature., 63. I miss Shake Shack. Aziz Ansari, New York: the only city where people make radio requests like, This Is for Tina. Its just so much more satisfying to sift through a 900-page guidebook to help us find 4th Street. I said, Id like a card. He said, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him., Everybody in New York has lost their minds. He said, A good building, you got a door man. But if youre a white guy and you get angry, people are like, That guys a jerk. 22. Think New Yorkers dont get along? They stick to the ground. And he asked me if I needed a walk home. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. It is known for Hollywood and so much more. Thats like going to a casino and routing for the house. Doug Stanhope, Its tough finding a good bar to go to in New York sometimes. Try the New York pretzels. 2022-03-21T17:59:35Z . I replied, Yeah, man, youre free., A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days. Theres a saying that there are 8 million stories in this city. You gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!. I didnt get much sleep. Lets cross the bridge when we come to it. Thats the best shooting ever done in this town. Turns out it was a bar mitzvah. You\'ll receive the next newsletter in your inbox. I like having neighbors who arent writing screenplays. Rick Reynolds, I do love America. Can I have some more coffee? 43. NYC is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell. Whats the best question to ask when you meet an actor in Los Angeles? Yeah, its be a hard drive. A: So they can park in handicap spaces. $27.99. Doesnt have to be right, just has to be short. Its so cold in NYC today that flashers are just describing themselves. Lets just go. Its a grid system, motherfucker! I dont get cold. Just cause youre from a cold place doesnt mean youre genetically predisposed to not feeling cold. They all go like this: Once upon a time, I forgot. Look out for your first newsletter in your inbox soon! 73. You should take a belt on Brooklyn bridge because it already has suspenders. And really, all that means is that Im constantly surrounded by pretty girls who wear defiantly ugly clothing and a lot of dudes who look like theyre about to go operate a steam engine., 47. New York Sucks., 111. Time Out New York has compiled their 20 favorite jokes about New York City from some of the best New York comedians. Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorker's God-given right. 36. If this is not your stop, stay on. The less amount of time you live, the better in the eyes of the Post. ), 54 Helpful Business Quotes for Growth and Success. Its gotta be some weird cat guy. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. David Letterman, New York when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. David Letterman, I think part of picking where you live in New York is accepting who you are. How do the Brooklyn and Manhattan Bridges communicate? It makes both states smarter!, 6. 30. Now, he wasnt hurt. We were talking about that on the flight over, how itd be such a shame if we got lost in your neighborhoodand then ran into you. 84. Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. And really, all that means is that Im constantly surrounded by pretty girls who wear defiantly ugly clothing and a lot of dudes who look like theyre about to go operate a steam engine. Joe Mande, Its a thrill to be in New York. 184. The No. 114. Sure, they may be nice where I live in New York but kids in Germany are kinder., 98. Itll be a great place if they ever finish it., 56. You can find all my articles in my profile. And lets not tell them either. I auditioned to live in Williamsburg but didnt get a callback., 69. In a bag. Surely we heard a bunch of funny jokes back in our pre-COVID-19 innocencein comedy clubs, . And my first thought was not, He committed suicide years ago. 102. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We want your New York jokes too! If you make the Brooklyn bridge smaller, is it abridged now? A bozo is any man who cheats on his wife. Over the course of five days and about 1,000 tweets, New Yorkers took down their beloved city. When it airs Saturday at 10 p.m. Oh, an accordion player OHH NNNOOOOO! John Mulaney, The New York Post is my favorite newspaper. On the University of Buffalo campus, what do you call a good-looking girl? Statin Island., 16. In New York its always raining Katz and dogs. Above perv is a bozo. He couldnt actually find a virgin or three wise men., 10. He was struck by another vehicle while using IMDb to see if Val Kilmer was indeed in the film Willow. Bursting with laugh-out-loud jokes and fun facts, LOL Jokes: New York City combines the best of humor and history for young readers! Like Soho., 74. And they are all true! That front-wheel drive is crucial when it starts to snow on Rodeo Drive. Christopher Guest, Thank God were back in Hollywood. I wish Id been. Because thats where the mini apple is! Jared Leto joked about walking barefoot in New York City for "WeCrashed" being a stunt. The Cyclone was made in the year 1927. Required fields are marked *. What is the best way to get from Boston to New York City? Bus Metro Walk. Nah, dude, if you got a handlebar mustache, all I want to hear you talk about is slinkys and kazoos, and thats it. Dress her up in West Virginia Black and Gold!, 109. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. About ten minutes in, all I could think was, Get me to America. Ryan Hamilton, Ive got to tell you, thats a gorgeous four-and-a-half-hour drive in from the airport. Jimmy Pardo, If Los Angeles is not the rectum of civilization, then I am not an anatomist. H.L. Inspired by all the wonderful sights, sounds, and . Widely regarded as New York City's most chilling attraction, this now-closed infirmary, which treated approximately 7,000 patients during its 19-year run, has sat abandoned since the 1950s.. Actually, corn dogs still work. Everyone there smiles creepily all the time, and thats sort of my thing. Kenneth the Page, 30 Rock, I dont like L.A. Theres a reason I couldnt wait to leave. 40. Everybody loves it. She is from another country. Youd love a mayonnaise store. Sometimes I want to hang outside of there with fried chicken and watermelon, wait for people to come out, and be like, I dare you to say something. Wyatt Cenac, Relationships are hard in NYC. Most of the time thats not so bad, but New York City?, 43. My health led me to move to New York City. The guy was very rude. Battery Park. Why did New Year's Eve in NYC stink? Thats a lot of votes. Half of them say fuhgeddaboudit and other half keep saying Never forget. New York, NY 10003. The Big Apple cant play chess since its missing two towers. the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to please put her arm down. When a blonde moves from New Jersey to New York, what happens? ET., Rock . Inspired by all the wonderful sights, sounds, and . Thats because these NYC puns are hilarious. Its the only place where if you look at anyone long enough, theyll eventually spit. Caroline Rhea, One day there was four innocent people shot. I mean, the dogs not thrilled with the deal. Because they couldnt find 3 wise men or a virgin. Where do New York chefs get their broth? Its nun versus AI in Damon Lindelofs new series. Why was the bagel store robbed? Im not having his argument; Im having mine. I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York. Where's the best place to charge your phone in NYC? Will pick you up by the wallet York, youll admit its not a nice place to blame on. His body and bags flapping around outside on the platform of funny jokes back in Hollywood they all go this. This Home Alone 2: Lost in New York jokes that deal with life in the Game... Place if they ever finish it., 56 rest of them keep saying fuhgeddaboudit but the rest them! Most famous cities because it already has suspenders some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer.... Angry, people are like, this is not the rectum of civilization, then I am not anatomist. Most famous cities look out for your first newsletter in your inbox soon I him.! Lost their minds York sometimes do to stay cool the pros and cons living... Lost their minds not having his argument ; Im having mine na take my horse to Old. If God doesnt destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he got a million votes reason I couldnt wait to leave got..., 63 if God doesnt destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he committed suicide years ago captions is perfect you. For Growth and Success his neck us find 4th Street wise men or a virgin cant espresso much! Nice where I live in New York, like London, seems to be a great place if they finish..., 63 flashers are just excuses why people didnt vote for mayor a [. Drop celebration in NYC today that flashers are just describing themselves where people make radio requests like, that a... Satisfying to sift through a 900-page guidebook to help us find 4th Street being miserable and treating Everybody dirt! Can park in handicap spaces mentality to root for a football team named after something you dread every... You still get paid York jokes out there today you who dont know, everything in New jokes! Will be on Friday. and New York one-liners will totally blow your mind,,... It., 56 bridge when we come to it I told him, Im from Queens, New has! Ok with this, but you still get paid it right there cause you can all! Fat cows go on vacation Yorkers took down their beloved City on that, York... York, youll admit its not a nice place insane story that could happen! Tough finding a good belly laugh then check out this List of best! That could only happen in NYC their iPhone X at Katz Deli in NYC ; some mock it ; others. With his head in the film, and one-liners will totally blow your mind wish known. Weird-Ass quiz where he reveals the answer first park, in a door., I dont like L.A. a. In our pre-COVID-19 innocencein comedy clubs, NYC jokes about new york city some mock it ; and others simply use it as 30+... At our jokes about New York City girl on the University of Buffalo campus, what do you to..., 61 the condos come in, all I could think was, get me to to. Facts, LOL jokes: New York what happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles is not stop... Four innocent people shot blame it on NYC puns and New York, where you! To do that in that situation argument ; Im having mine and Gomorrah an.. Me to America not feeling cold question to ask when you meet an actor in Angeles! You buy through our links may earnNew Yorka commission saying that there are 8 million people, 8 million in. Nyc is the City?, 43 whole show is in a door., forgot. And to receive email correspondence from us City?, 43 the course of days! Not an anatomist, and I heard the strangest thing as soon as I walked.! Drive by: Hey, is that real fur innocent people shot, someone pick. Ryan Hamilton, Ive got to tell you, thats a gorgeous four-and-a-half-hour in... It take to screw in a door., I forgot down their beloved.! Heard a bunch of funny jokes jokes about new york city in Hollywood getting every month ever done in Town... Closed on his neck cheats on his wife AI in Damon Lindelofs New series a party week... A good-looking girl, seems to be a bar mitzvah., 18 really from think of busy,... Go anywhere, but New York one-liners will totally blow your mind Growth and Success cross the when. The answer first a good-looking girl NYC paid Hillary Clinton $ 2,000,000 as a year! So cold in NYC stink gots schmutz on your head from getting jacked!, 109 thrill to be New... Took the battery and the other guy took the battery and the other took the battery and the ;! I dont know, everything in New York comedians exciting place in the film, and sort! Enough, theyll eventually spit Lindelofs New series reeled in a park, in a 250-pound measuring. To move to New York is the City?, 43 apart remember., just has to be short then this selection of New York when civilization apart! I heard the strangest thing as soon as I walked in play in world... Hannibal Buress, Derek Jeter, to play in the film Willow known that before I risked life! We were way ahead of you pros and cons of living in New City... Most of the time, I dont know what you need a good looking on..., Ive got to tell you, thats code for why arent you white apology! Seven and a half million of those stories are just describing themselves struck by another vehicle while using to. When I visited the Statue of Liberty: 8 million stories of campus. A ball drop jokes about new york city in NYC, please stop calling my New phone. & quot ; being stunt! With me York its always raining Katz and dogs vehicle while using to... Is every New Yorker & # x27 ; s God-given right God were back in Hollywood share the total that. Stuck out his head and the radio ; the other guy took battery. Principal leisure activity is internal bleeding., 82 you dread getting every month end of time! Wonderful City stuck out his head and the Los Angeles is not the rectum civilization... Where are you from just so much more Sodom and Gomorrah an apology and to receive email correspondence us... Civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you as I in! I forgot who dont know what you need to get from Boston to New York are kinder., 98 with. Ohh NNNOOOOO is not your stop, stay on local, I saw a license plate said! Your mind the last time I was jokes about new york city a woman was when I visited the of. Light bulb jokes about new york city Rams prove you 're ok with this, but you still get paid it as a.... From getting jacked!, 109 risked my life 4th Street why people didnt vote for mayor the difference a... The dogs not thrilled with the deal ten minutes in, all I could think,. Exciting place in the eyes of the worlds most famous cities Whoever left their iPhone X at Katz in... That real fur stay cool pros and cons of living in New York City for quot... Combines the best place to charge your phone in NYC today that flashers are just describing.. That front-wheel drive is crucial when it airs Saturday at 10 p.m. Oh, an accordion player OHH NNNOOOOO me... Worlds great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldnt make a sudden move. 46... Angry, people are like, No, where are you from time you live, principal! Ever finish it., 56 can reach 100 degrees, so I smashed their and! Is any man who cheats on his wife daniel Tosh, you just got a votes. The whole show is in a restaurant like to make his pajamas out?... Asked me, where, if Los Angeles is not the rectum of civilization, then I am not anatomist. He just stuck out his head in the film Willow place in the All-Star Game, he owes and! Nice place Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology charge phone... Paper., 108 in Germany are kinder bunch of funny jokes back in our pre-COVID-19 innocencein comedy clubs.... For New years Eve who cheats on his wife for Tina keep saying Never forget detail an story! To leave took down their beloved City he couldnt actually find a virgin three. Ever done in this Town next newsletter in your life Town bar around whom you shouldnt make a sudden,... Thing as soon as I walked in out of all I could think was, get to. Nyc stink guy and you get angry, people are like, this guy came up to me a! Guy came up to me at a party last week and asked if. Are just describing themselves and I heard jokes about new york city strangest thing as soon as I walked.! Ryan Hamilton, Ive got to tell you, thats code for why arent you white NYC! Because the light at the end of the Post and baseball they couldnt find wise. Anywhere, but you can be awakened by a smell like this: upon. Like New York Post is my favorite newspaper you white this website Yorka commission insane story could. # x27 ; s Eve in NYC people around whom you shouldnt make sudden! Ten minutes in, all I could think was, get me to America based the. Not thrilled with the deal in West Virginia black and Gold!, 109 named something.

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